September suicide prevention awareness month: My story on Mental Health

 Hello everyone, welcome to my second blog Adventurous Dreams, My name is Crystal Williams, if you are interested in sports and want to know the latest topic, news and or interested in wanting to know my personal expereince as being a writer, content creator and or a former employee that used to work for Athlon sports, check out my first blog crystal sideline Buzz In today's blog, I will be opening up about my mental health and the time where I had thoughts about making that decision that would have torn my friends, and family into pieces, but instead I decided to get help and I have never looked back since. 

Note: I just want to make one thing clear, I want my story to inspire others and hopefully help someone who is struggling with mental health. I know that the economy we are currently living in is extremely hard. But just know that things will get better, you were put on this earth for a reason, you have a purpose, don't give up, but get help. 

My story

Ever since I was 13, I've struggled with my mental health. I didn't fully understand how important it was to take care of myself, so things worsened. I constantly felt like I wasn't doing anything right, and when I did, it never felt good enough. The criticism and nitpicking always got to me, but I kept those emotions hidden because I thought I was just being dramatic. I never saw myself as human. Throughout my teens, I often felt out of place, as if something was wrong with me. I started to distance myself, hoping that would help; instead, I kept feeling depressed as I continued to ignore that emotion. I began to have panic attacks, and I'd begin to cry uncontrollably, once again thinking I was just being dramatic. 

After high school, my mental health struggles continued, especially when I entered the EMS program in college. I stayed up until 3-4 am studying, trying to understand why I kept failing my tests. One instructor even questioned whether I was going to pass at all and received my EMS certificate, and even asked me what I was struggling with, when I didn't even know myself. I'd sit in my room stressed out and crying, feeling depressed, while also taking care of my grandmother and trying to figure out everything. 

I wanted to take a year off to try and figure out what I truly wanted, but I was criticized and called lazy; that alone made things worse. Then I lost my grandmother, and that was the breaking point. I fell into a deep depression and was filled with a wide range of emotions that I've never experienced before. I felt misunderstood, like I was a burden to my friends whenever I opened up. One night, I found myself questioning everything: What's the point of living? Why am I here? Do I have a purpose? Am I just here to make others happy while neglecting myself? 

As I continue to deal with these emotions and question my purpose, someone from my past came back into my life wanting to be in a relationship with me, but not listening to me or trying to understand my mental health, and that I can't get myself into something that I know mentally I am not prepared for. They don't understand that it's not them that is the problem, but it is me whose mind cannot focus on one thing, but many things that are surrounding me, and can't seem to figure out how to silence the noise. With all that being said, that by itself made me feel even more unseen. 

As the following year came, that is when things took a turn, and I didn't even see the light, just darkness. Every single day, those thoughts kept creeping in, the voices kept telling me that I don't belong and that I never belong. Constantly questioning every move I made, every decision I made, and one night, that's when I wanted to do it. One night, I locked all of the doors in the house. I was going to let these thoughts take over me and just win until I got a text. This wasn't just any text; it was a text from one of my youngest brothers, and then minutes later, a call from my mom asking if I was okay because they hadn't heard or seen me all day. That's when I realized that I can't do it, I shouldn't do it, because who would that be fair to? Not to my friends, my family, or anyone, so the next day, I decided to ask my friend who was in therapy.

I was hesitant about getting help because I didn't know whether or not therapy would help me, but I am glad I did. It was not easy in the beginning because every problem I thought I never had, I ended up having. Each week, it just seemed like things weren't getting any better, but something told me to keep going, so I did. As the months went on, I began to feel better and do better. I began this new, fresh version of myself that I thought I would never be. I started to set boundaries for myself when I felt like certain things would stress me out. I started to be honest with those I felt didn't deserve to be part of my healing journey. 

All in all, what I am trying to say is, don't give up, keep going, have a group of friends that will be there for you and help you become a better version of yourself. I am forever grateful to my besties for always being there for me. I am forever grateful for the amount of support that I am always given. I am grateful for not giving up even when I wanted to. I am happy that I didn't go through with that plan because if I did, a lot of hearts would have been broken, and questions would have never been answered.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or having thoughts of suicide, please dial 988 for the suicide crisis hotline. They are always available 24/7. Talk to a group of people that is willing to help you and want to see you become a better person. 

If no one had told you, I will, you have a purpose in life, you are worth something to someone, never give up. You matter.